*Warning: Contains graphic information and a lot of use of the word “vagina.”
Peter and I had our Childbirth Prep Class last weekend. We opted for the 8-hour weekend course instead of the 4-day event during the workweek.
When we arrived, we were the only couple there for a while, but they slowly started trickling in. Soon our room was filled with 9 other couples.
We had to start by introducing ourselves, and everyone said their name, due date, doctor’s name, and any other little tidbits of information we wanted to provide. I was surprised to hear that 8 of the 10 couples were due after me because I thought everyone looked like they were going to pop any minute now. Shh — never tell them I said that!
Everyone seemed pretty normal, and most of their stories made us laugh because we could relate. So naturally, I thought this was going to be a pretty mild 8-hour day.
As a side note, I would like to state for the record that I am now terrified of child birth. I have seen The Joy of Life video in health class before, watched A Baby Story on TV, and have heard horror stories about childbirth from just about every mom I’ve ever met…but when you know that childbirth is inevitable, it takes on a whole new scare factor.
The little “intensity” — this is another word for “pain” — charts made me want to cry. Here is my interpretation of the Stages of Labor charts we saw.
So with all of that being said…lunch was somewhat silent as I sat there and ate my chicken sandwich in shock.
After showing us 15-or-so charts, we got to watch “the real thing” as depicted by 3 “real” women. I don’t know where you get 3 women who are willing to allow someone else to film their childbirth and their hoohaw for the world to see…but I am going to guess it’s at a hippie commune where women go into labor just because “they love how great it feels! Get me a mirror! I can’t get enough of this stuff!”
In the middle of this 3-D animated DVD complete with actual birthing scenes, the guy next to me starts asking questions. First he asks about the importance of a birthing tub. “Could I just put my wife into a hot tub?” he asks. Immediately the instructor says no because of public water that could be infected with germs. “What if it’s my hot tub?” Her answer is still no due to temperature. “What if I turn the temperature down?” She says, “Let me put it to you this way, sir…your wife probably weighs 150+ pounds right now. You are not going to get a Stage 1 pregnant women into a hot tub safely and then get her out when she reaches stage 2 or 3.” He just didn’t get it.
The video also referenced the “ring of fire.” This was very concerning to the guy next to me. “Um, is there anything I could put in there to help…you know…stretch it out and get it ready for childbirth?”
HOLY CRAP! DID HE JUST ASK IF HE COULD GAUGE HIS WIFE’S VAGINA?
Yes. Yes, he did folks. The instructor very quickly said, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Sir, please understand that this process has been happening for thousands upon thousands of years. A woman’s body knows how to get ready for childbirth. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE INSERT THINGS INTO HER VAGINA!” The most disturbing part was how he turned to his wife after this comment and said how he didn’t agree; he really thinks they need to start getting it ready by stretching it out.
Finally, the instructor talked about how sometimes a woman can accidentally poop during all of this pushing. She was really trying to lessen the fear that women have of this possibility by explaining that a woman’s body generally starts shutting down the digestive system a few days before labor, so there is less “stuff” in there. I think she referred to labor poop as “little deer pellets.”
Well, this guy just wasn’t having it. This absolutely disgusted him, so he raised his hand. “Hear me out…what if…we took some sort of tube…and shoved it up there, so it would just whisk the poop away?” A POOP TUBE.
Once again, the instructor had to explain that he was really focusing on the wrong thing. I think he was imagining an active “spray” that just continued during the whole pushing phase.
I think the best part of the day was how everyone quickly turned and looked at the guy each time he raised his hand. And his wife…she didn’t seem phased by his questions. That was the weirdest part.
All-in-all…we laughed, I cried due to my new-found knowledge of this inevitable doom, and we have a funny story to tell you.
they actually do have a fecal tube that does that.
LOL…..you made me laugh!!!!! But…I promise..all birthing classes as pretty funny. Even the ones we had to go to when we had you 29 years ago! AND….you will be fine AND….you will be so happy to welcome little Spackle that once the birth is over, you will forget all about most of it!
xoxoxoxo